TBOM says STFU
Its been fun y’all…but its time to close up shop.
See you on the flip side.
Hitler Youth Roundhouse
I’ll throw out a bone to all you who have emailed me asking for more
This buddy of mine was practicing with his band one night in a building near downtown. There were eight rooms and eight bands, so there was always a flow of people in and out of rooms who would listen for awhile and then move on. Friday and Saturdays were usually packed, in a low class BYOB sort of way.
One night, a couple skinhead type folk showed up and popped a squat on one of the couches in my buddy’s practice room. They drank some beers and seemed to enjoy themselves. No harm, no foul.
After about a half hour, another dude walked into the room and the skinheads went fucking crazy. There must have been some pre-existing bad blood or something because they chased the guy out into the hall and started laying a royal beat down on him.
My buddy and his bandmates put down their instruments and ran out into the hall to watch the mele, as did everyone else who was in the building.
Skinner #1 had the guy in a full nelson hold and skinner #2 was dancing in front of him like Sugar Ray Leonard. (ironic comparison, I know). What came next was one for the ages.
Skinner #2 jumped and spun, going for high roundhouse kick ala Bruce Lee (another ironic comparison). Problem was, he jumped too high. His foot went over the head of its intended target and his momentum carried him spinning to the ground where he twisted his plant foot and threw out his back. Skinner #2 crumpled to the floor screaming “my back! My back!” Skinner #1 ran over to check on his mate and the guy taking a beating ran off to who knows where.
A man has got to know his limitations.
Just Some Nice Boobs #2
Some dude has got too much time on his hands….you may have to cut an paste in a text editor to get the full, sleazy effect.
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Grand Slammed At Denny’s
Its been awhile since we’ve had a submission, so enjoy this one.
This buddy of mine, in dire need of a girlfriend, tends to go on the prowl when drunk. One night, after drinking at dinner with the other members of his singles group (all of whom were much older than he). He began prowling at different bars on the way home, drinking more as he went. No luck, but no problems. Close to home, he stopped at a restaurant. He did come-on to some of the waitresses (which weeks later he was told he couldn’t do anymore there), but sat at the bar–so no problems, still.
Then he made a mistake–continued his prowling at a Denny’s. He noticed two twenty-something girls at a booth. One was accompanied by a twenty-something guy, but the other was alone. So he asked for her number. She just laughed. But the guy on the other side of the table asked, “How old are you?” “Forty-two”, my buddy replied. The guy said, “Keep movin’!” At this, my buddy burst into laughter. When he had finally laughed himself out, he asked, “How old did you think I was?” The guy replied “Forty-two!” And my buddy left the Denny’s, laughing his ass off!
My buddy then made another mistake–continued his prowling at a Waffle House. He sat at the counter, ordered coffee, and asked-out the good-looking waitress. She ignored him. There happened to be a black guy sitting next to him, who was already laughing at my buddy’s boldness. So he told the guy about the exchange and the Waffle House, and he laughed harder, finally replying, “You’re a trip, man!”
Then my buddy went over to a booth where two beautiful young girls sat with an older woman. Figuring they were at least eighteen, he introduced himself to the older woman, and said “These must be your lovely daughters!” The woman replied, “We’re having a private conversation here.”
My buddy apologized, then turned away–only to face another twenty-something guy, who said “Sit down, we’re gonna talk!” My buddy, thinking this was probably the Waffle-House manager, sat down at a booth, where the pissed-off guy joined him. The guy said, “I just came from Denny’s…” “Denny’s?” my buddy interjected. The guy said, “Yeah! If I ever catch you fuckin’ with my girlfriend, I will track you down, until I find you!”
The guy got up, and my buddy followed him out the door, coffee in hand. “Sir, I meant no harm–I’m no threat!” he explained, as the guy walked away, mumbling. Giving up, my buddy poured the rest of his coffee from the styrofoam cup, got into his car, and returned home.
After sleeping-off the beer, he assessed the situation. He concluded that this had been just a situation of a little dog barking at a big dog–thus deciding not to report the little dog’s threat, to law enforcement. But he also realized he’d learned an important lesson: Never go on the prowl, drunk or sober, at a place that doesn’t serve alcohol!
Submitted by Scott
Adopt A Highway…
Zman…one of the commenters here gave a great idea via facebook. What if “this buddy of mine” adopted a highway. Yes, Zman, I think that would be very interesting.
First off, the road would be a total shithole. I don’t even clean my house, so do you think I’m going to spend time on a highway? Hells no. This is what I would do:
1. Encourage littering: The more trash on the side of the road, the less grass that will grow. The less grass grown, the less to mow. The less to mow, the less gasoline I have to burn…thus decreasing my carbon footprint and saving the planet. You’re welcome.
2. Put up More Billboards: For Porn of Course.
3. Put in a Weigh Station: That’s right, before you can drive down my 1 mile of highway, everyone has to get out of their cars and be weighed. No fat chicks allowed. If you fail the BMI test, you will be forced to take the county road detour.
4. Saftey First: All drivers must wear condoms. It may seem silly, but so is wearing a seat belt.
5. Reduce the Speed Limit: To 10 miles per hour. This way, you can spend a glorious 6 minutes on my little patch of heaven…which is usually 5 1/2 more minutes than I need.
6. Topless Hour: Rush hour will be renamed “Topless Hour”…radar enforced for all women passing Rule #3
That about sums it up….Good idea Zman!
More Things You Can’t Do In Sports
So a dude gets penalized during a soccer game for farting. WTF. If you can’t fart on a soccer field, which would actually make the game halfway watchable by the way, then what is this world coming to? Never mind the drunk bastards in the stands who are puking on themselves and wiping it on their neighbors.
So what other stupid rules are there in sports? Here’s a sampling:
1. A technical foul is called in the NBA if you pick a scab and wipe it on the opponents jersey. The penalty enforced on Magic Johnson for the same offense was Attempted Homicide.
2. Pissing in the outfield is now allowed…otherwise known as doing “a Manny”
3. In the NFL, sucking a teammate off on the sidelines during halftime gets you an automatic trade to the Detroit Lions.
4. Saying “Fuck You” to Tiger Woods will get you banned from the PGA Tour, but will get you a lifetime membership into the club of coolness by all the other players in the association and a hand job by Lefty Mickleson.
5. Claiming to have a high school education results in a 2 week suspension for any NASCAR driver.
6. Claiming to be an athlete while on the Pro Bowlers Tour will simply get you laughed at, and your VIP card from Old Country Buffet revoked.
7. NFL Centers are not allowed to file sexual harrasment charges against their quarterbacks for feeling up their sacks and asking them how their long snapping is cumming along. This is known as the Garcia rule.
8. Players can be fined up to $50,000 a day in any sport for dating an old, ugly, crusty woman. This is known as the Madonna/Giselle paradox.
I’m sure there are others, please feel free to add to the list.
When Having To Take A Shit Costs You Money
This buddy of mine was on a sales call and was having a pretty successful meeting. Half way through, his stomach started cramping and the cold sweats started. He knew that if he did not scoot quickly he was liable to shit his pants.
He raced through the rest of his sales presentation in about 2 minutes, grabbed his coat, and said “if you need anything else…just shoot me an email.” He shook hands and got the hell out of there.
Driving out of the parking lot squeezing his ass cheeks together, he sped down the road looking for a toilet. It took over 30 minutes to find one. He ran inside and unleashed the beast.
No word yet on whether the customer is going to purchase any of his goods. But this buddy of mine wasn’t in the mood to care.
Even when the economy is in the shitter, having to get to a shitter still takes precedent.
